We Hate Harry Potter: The Play
by alanluver
Summary: FINISHED! Okay this is written as a play and stars two authors who are on a power trip. Be warned it is frightingly screwed up, and there's lots of language... plus it's not nice to the charecters but it's REALLY funny. Finished


Hey out there!!! I wrote this with purpleduck awhile ago. This is your fair warning, the two of us were up for a very long time so we were tired and only awake due to excessive amounts of soda. This is a little… um… screwed up. Anyway if you don't want to read some bad language or if you think that Harry Potter is not a complete and total ass than you might not want to read this. Just so everybody knows we DO hate Harry but we don't have anything against the others, they were just easy targets for screwed up heads… but it IS funny, and if you won't feel the need to jump to Harry's fictional defense then read and enjoy.

We Hate Harry Potter:

The Play 

Narrator: We find the Gryffindor trio on the Hogwarts Express, headed back to school to begin their 7th year. Perfectly in character Harry has neglected all of his summer work and is now working feverishly to complete a summary on the entirety of the potions text.

Hermione: Harry you are a complete idiot. You will either fail this year from your stupidity, or die from your overly large ego canceling out your common sense.

Authors: Or both! (evil laughter)

Harry: Don't be silly Hermione, I'm Harry Potter! Nobody will do anything to me!

Ron: I dunno' Harry, it seems like your grades have been dropping a lot, and the only reason you didn't fail last year was because you were unconscious in the hospital wing during exams and Dumbledore let you skip them.

Author Berry: Yeah Harry you are such a dumb ass!

Hermione: Where the hell is that voice coming from!

Author Clark: Where ever the authors decide it should come from!!!

Ron: Power trip

Author Berry: Don't forget that we really do hold the power you damn Weasley… see I'll show you. **Enter big black dog, it begins to gnaw Ron's head off.**

Ron: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: Are you gonna kill him?

Authors: (whispering)

Berry: Not until he has suffered!!! (Mwa Ha Ha Ha!!!)

Hermione and Harry: (Shrug)

Clark: While were at it… **Suddenly Harry's right arm is paralyzed until Snape realizes that Harry has not done his homework at which point Snape will go to analyze Harry's hand that will at that point no longer be paralyzed**.

Harry: You can't do that to me! I'm Harry Potter. Everybody loves me.

4 Random People: (poking heads inside compartment) We Don't Love you Harry Potter.

Berry: Hey Courtney, What's this play called?

Clark: Why Julia, I believe it's WE HATE HARRY POTTER.

Berry: How Appropriate. **Dog drops Ron and begins gnawing on Harry's leg.**

Ron: My God! I'm Bleeding!

Berry: Take it like a man

Clark: Yeah, Suck it up.

Berry: I know what you're afraid of… all of you. And I know what you're thinking. HA HA HA HA HA. **Enter Spiders, Failing Grades, and Harry's Diary.**

Hermione: Why does your journal say that Draco is sexy? Harry?

Ron: Who's Draco?

Clark: Malfoy you idiot! **Spiders attack Ron!**

Harry: That's not my journal. It's an imposter journal.

Ron: (muffled under spiders) But you do keep a journal. Laughs

Hermione: (Reading from journal) Dear Diary, My name is Harry Potter. I'm the greatest, most popular, and sexiest boy at Hogwarts, that is, next to Draco Malfoy. He's the love of my life, if only the sorting hat had put me into Slytherian. Sigh

Clark: **Enter Malfoy.** Eww Harry you're gross. Draco doesn't like you like Ron likes you.

Ron: (muffled squeal)

Berry: We told you we knew what you were thinking!

Ron: (emerging from spiders in rage) HOW DARE YOU!

Malfoy: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?!

Berry: Hello Draco. Welcome to the party… The We Hate Potter Party.

Ron: Why don't you come down here and say all this stuff to our faces?

Berry: Okay.** Enter Julia.**

Malfoy: Who the Hell are you?

Berry: I am Julia, The almighty goddess of playwright. I have the power to say or do whatever I Please such as **Make Harry Have A Seizure!**

Clark: Wow I think Julia is going a little crazy. Maybe I should head down and make sure everybody is equally tortured. **Enter Courtney.**

Malfoy: Are there any more weirdo's up in the gestures to the ceiling

Berry: Who are you calling a weirdo? **Draco's hair starts falling out!**

Courtney: AHHH!! Not the sexy one! **Draco's hair grows back!!!**

Berry: Fine I'll leave him alone… for now (evil chuckle). I guess I'll go for Harry… hmm… **Harry's suddenly directly underneath a downpour of bludgers! **Ha! How do you like those apples Harry? (One bludger bounces off of Ron's head) And how do you like those very same apples Ron!?

Harry: (whimpers and passes out)

Ron: (Rubs suddenly swollen bump on head)

Draco: Oh God!!! My hair!!! I was almost ruined!!! (Turns to Courtney) I owe you my life!

Clark: God Draco, don't be such a drama queen!

Hermione: Hey everybody.

Everyone: SHUT UP YOU FRIGGIN' KNOW IT ALL!

Hermione: I Just thought you should know we're only a few minutes from Hogwarts.

Berry: Oh, no. I'm not done torturing you all. **TRAIN SUDDENLY STOPS!** Now, then. Hermione seems unharmed through all of this.

Clark: Yes she does. Anyone have any thoughts as to how to make it clear that We Hate Harry Potter.

Hermione: But I'm not Harry Potter.

Berry: **HARRY AND HERMIONE SWITCH BODIES!**

Hermione: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Berry: (Evil Laughter)

Malfoy: Now what do we do?

Clark: Think of what to do to Harry now that he is 'awake'. We could **Bash Harry in the head with a Hammer.**

Berry: Or **Cut Ron's fingers off with a hatchet.**

Ron: Oh please! I don't think I can loose anymore blood!

Berry: Hmm, perhaps you're right. **Ron is trapped in a cage, and is unable to complain until he is released.**

Clark: Oh good job Julia! I'm sure that this will be easier without all that whining about too much blood loss, shock, blah blah blah.

Berry: Thank you Court. Now shall we get back to business?

Clark: (nods)

Hermione's body: (Heads toward the door)

Berry: I THINK NOT! **Harry is covered in angry garden gnomes!**

Harry: AH! This is NOT fun!!!

Hermione: (Wakes up) Harry Dumb ass Potter! Stop abusing my body!

Harry: I didn't ask for this!

Clark: Oh, you knew what were you were getting into when you signed that contract…with the Devil.

Malfoy: You mean Potter knows the devil.

Berry: Oh, and so do you, and I, and anyone attending Hogwarts. Dumbledore is Satan!

Hermione: What? That Can't Be!

Berry: Shut Up! **Hermione goes mute!**

Draco: Finally! Thank Goddess B and Goddess C!

Hermione: (scribbles something on a piece of paper) _If there is a Goddess B and a Goddess C shouldn't there be a Goddess A?_

Everyone: Shut Up!

Draco: Is there a Goddess A?

Berry: Let me smite him!

Clark: NO!

Berry: (in aggravation) Ahh! **Harry bursts into flame! He is extinguished by a waterfall of salt! Now he's on fire again! The salt is melting! The Fire burns out but Harry is trapped in a mound of salt! He's on the verge of a mental breakdown and Being attacked by Hedwig!**

Clark: Feel better now?

Berry: Much better.

Clark: Well now that we have some peace and quiet maybe we should all continue on the way to Hogwarts so we can free the magical world of Satan!

Berry: Good idea. **Hogwarts Express begins moving again… Oh and Hermione and Harry switch back and Ron is let out of the cage so he can change into his school robes, but Hermione still can't talk!**

Draco: What are we going to do when we find Dumble… Demon man?

Hermione: (Has found a huge poster board and has written 'If Dumbledore is the devil than why is he fighting against the ultimate evil of the wizarding world?'

Berry: THAT'S IT! Dumbledore is fighting Voldemort because he hates sharing power. Now SHUT UP OR YOU WILL BE SORRY!

Hermione: (Begins scribbling on the sheet again.)

Berry: I warned you! **Hermione chokes on her smart ass comments, literally, and suffocates!**

Draco: (cheerfully) We're here!

Everyone: (Gets off the train and marches purposefully toward the school, except for Hermione who is in fact dead. Everyone makes it to the main hall before the smell of food draws everybody into the Great Hall.)

Ron: Can't resist food…

Harry: Can't resist opportunity for attention…

Authors: Fine but we're moving out in 10 minutes

20 minutes later

Berry: Come on lets go! (Gets ignored) **Food is gone and Harry, Ron, and Draco come with their authors!**

Clark: For good measure… **All the people in the Great Hall that are making fun of the authors drop dead of a mysterious illness.**

Berry & Draco: Here, Here.

Berry: Let's go and find Satan.

Harry: We should call this 'Harry Potter and the search for Satan'

Berry: Or we could call it **Harry Potter and the Day of 1000 Deaths where Harry gets stabbed with blunt broomsticks until he has shut up.**

Harry: But I'm Har… OOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! (Continues to get poked while screaming)

Clark: Lets just leave him here.

Draco: Cool, lets get outa here.

Berry: Yeah, I'm sure it will take him a while to learn how to shut up. In the mean time… **A chandelier falls on Ron who screams and dies. He becomes a ghost and follows us around so we can laugh at his misfortune.**

Clark: Why are we making this so hard? **Enter Dumbledore.**

Berry: But, I'm not through with torturing people. **Enter Neville, Enter Crabbe & Goyle, Enter Pansy Parkinson, Enter Cho Chang, Enter Percy, Enter Fudge, Enter Trilawney. ** I think that will suffice…For Now.

Draco: Dumbledore, You Are THE DEVIL!

Berry: **Crabbe and Goyle begin a fight to the death using only Chocolate Frogs!**

Dumbledore: I prefer to go by EL DIABLO!

Berry: **Brick falls and hits Cho in the head, she doesn't get to die though.** Bleed…(evil chuckle)

Draco: (gasp)

Clark: **Enter Filch.**

Filch: Who's gonna clean all this up? Blood stains, you know.

Berry: **A Statue falls and crushes Neville.**

Clark: Now you're just getting lazy.

Berry: Fine! **Percy's head explodes into a million pieces, splattering everyone and hitting Cho in the eye.**

Clark: That's more like it. Back to the plot… **Dumbledore pulls out his wand and throws it at Draco.**

Berry: **The wand misses Draco and pokes out Cho's other eye. She dies a slow death as a stake shoots up from the floor through her stomach.** Join Cedric in hell!

Clark: Quit killing everyone off before I have time to torture them!

Berry: (pouts) Fine… **Trelawny begins to make bogus predictions and she loses a finger for every ridiculous one she says.**

Trelanwny: Dumbledore will save the entire wizarding world. (Finger falls off)

Draco: HELLO! Weren't you listening? He's El Diablo!

Trelawny: Harry Potter will die a long cold lonely death. (Nothing happens)

Berry: Can't fault her for that one.

Harry: Oh shit! (Get's stabbed with another broom)

Filch: Harry! That's not school appropriate. And stop bleeding all over the damn floor! And I swear one more act of violence involving a broom out of you I'm sending you to go see the headmaster!

Draco: Again with the whole El Diablo thing… Oh screw it. **Everyone within three feet of me at any time dies!**

Berry: How the hell did you figure out to do that?

Draco: I made a deal with the arrow. He goes and clicks on that big "B" up there and… **Julia is Silenced!**

Clark: My god this is ridiculous! It ends now… **All minor characters die, Dumbledore kills Voldemort and takes over the world, ruling with an iron fist, and Draco goes to bed and has a good nights sleep. Author's Julia and Courtney leave the school and as soon as we are gone Hogwarts explodes… Oh but Harry Potter doesn't die for a full 48 hours, and is in a LOT of pain! Ron and Peeves bother him the entire time.** We all good?

Everyone: Nods and murmurs sounds of agreement.

Clark: O.K. Then…**The E-!**

Harry: No, It can't end that way, and not yet either. I didn't save anyone one or 'accidentally' kill anyone yet. I don't want it to be over yet. Wah it can't stop blah blah blah not like this blubber it just sob can't sniffle (cough ,cough, cough, choke) Help cough I'm choking on air…

Clark: Damn Right you are! And you're going to choke on air for the next two weeks as you slowly starve to death under the rubble of Hogwarts.

Draco: Didn't you say two days.

Clark: Well I changed my mind. Now then, **Harry suffer for two weeks rather than the before mentioned 48 hours, but it still tormented by Ron's whining and Peeves trickery until he dies and burns in hell for all eternity, where he must watch Cho and Cedric have an everlasting relationship fed by Hellfire. THE END.**

Hey this is something else that we wrote. It was the sane night so this is another odd one. It really has nothing to do with anything but it's still humorous. (Try reading it out loud!)

Starring:

Satan

Stan

Santa

St. Steroid

Spartican, God of Ill-timed Comments

Supervisor Steve

Snatta

While sitting around a decagon shaped table Santa, Satan, Stan, and Spartican played a game of poker when Santa bet all his reindeer. "Even Rudolph?" asked Stan.

"Yes, Stan, even Rudolph," said Santa sourly.

"That's too many reindeer for my rooftop," spouted Spartican.

"I'm in," said Satan.

"Me, too!" shouted Stan, "Look I got all red ones!" he said flinging his cards on the decagon shaped table.

"Maybe you should see a doctor about that," Spartican suggested.

Santa and Satan exchange looks before slapping down their cards on the decagon shaped table. "I got a Straight!" Screams Santa.

"That's the first straight thing to touch your hand in years," snickered Spartican.

"It's too bad that I have a Royal Flush, cause now you're royally screwed," laughed Satan.

"Dude," said Stan, "That was so gay."

"Yeah that was SUPER gay," said Spartican.

"It was like, Liberachi gay."

"No," said Spartican, "It was Santa gay." Everyone laughed except Santa who began to cry at the thought of losing his beloved reindeer.

"Please, Please," pleaded Santa, "don't take my reindeer. I'll give you anything else, ANYTHING just don't take my reindeer!"

Suddenly a very buff man in a muscle shirt, jeans, and an overly large cross appeared. "Our Catholic higher deity dude condemns those damn gays. God they're such wusses."

Ignoring Saint Steroid, Satan and Santa continued their conversation.

"Mmm… Anything, huh?" contemplated Satan, "how about your soul?"

"But my physic advisor told me not to get involved in any long term engagements."

"Do you want the reindeer or not?"

"Okay, okay. You drive a hard bargain."

"Don't go getting ideas about driving hard," said Spartican, "Satan prefers living room furniture."

"Leave Snatta outta this!" snapped Satan.

"Well it's not our fault that you're in love with an ottoman."

"Isn't Snatta a girl?" Stan asked.

"Actually," a voice from the doorway said, "Due to political correctness we will refer to Snatta as an Ottoperson."

Everybody turned away from the decagon shaped table to look at the man in a snappy suit, with a nametag that read 'Supervisor Steve.' He nodded at the bewildered group around the decagon shaped table and left.

"Who the hell was that?"

"I think his shirt said Superman," said Saint Steroid.

"Who cares? I'm ready to hit the sack," said Satan, "now we'll need to set up a Soul Session. How's Tuesday?"

"No, Tuesday's no good."

"Sunday?"

"Sorry, can't. Saturday sounds sweet, " said Santa.

"So it's settled. Saturday at six."

"Six? Six sucks. Seven sounds simpler."

"So it's set, your Soul Session is scheduled for Saturday, September sixteenth, at seven," stated Satan.

"Sure," sniffled Santa, "Saturday at six."

"No, Saturday at Seven."

"Oh, Saturday at Seven."

"Yes."

"See you then," said Satan as he left the decagon shaped table, "Snatta's waiting up for me." With that Satan rushed home to settle in bed next to his dear Snatta, and they both slipped into a restful slumber…Satan and his Ottoman.

This story is brought to you by the Decagon shaped table and the less popular decagon shaped bed.  


End file.
